Fear, Doubt, Remorse, Love
This being Valentine's day, and myself without a valentine to heap praises and dote upon, I thought instead I would look backwards and share some insights from my past. Now I'm not one to make any claims on dating expertise, I don't have overwhelming experience nor am I a paragon of virtue. So what makes me qualified to hand out insights? Nothing. But here we are anyway, choose to read or not. You, as the reader, are now my enabler.
As the cliche goes, "Youth is wasted on the young." Which, even at my tender age, I find to be amazingly accurate. And in context of this particular post, what that translates to is when I was young(er), I was stupid. Not so much stupid in the typical, tv-drama way that youth in America is portrayed. Rather, quite the opposite, my tragedy is a sordid tale of inactions. (Stupid!)
How do these things usually start? Oh right, "So there's this girl..." And there was, I saw her and immediately liked her. What's more, she actually liked me too. For most of the sane people in this world, that would be the start of some wonderfully sweet story of flirting and dating and courting. But since we're dealing with the abberration that is me, this story takes a turn for the tragic. (Stupid!)
Looking back on it now, the main reason for my failures is simply that -- failure, I was so accustomed to failure with women that I didn't know what to do when I was met with success. I reacted pretty much exactly how psychologists expect small animals to react when they face a new and bewildering environment. Scared. I was mortified. I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to act. I had been waiting for this moment my whole life and when presented with the reality of it I wanted nothing to do with it only because it was so far outside my comfort zone. (Stupid!)
She was an amazing collection of wonders. From her soft gaze and disarming smile to her graceful personality, she was the object of many's desire. And somehow, inexplicably, she chose me. Of all the other people that were stronger, handsomer, smarter, taller, richer, or some combination of all of that, she chose me. I couldn't come up with a single thing that she could have possibly seen in me, and that caused me to start questioning myself. Besides the doubt, I also was catagorically terrified because I had zero experience with women or relationships and second-questioned everything I did and said. Ultimately and woefully, I convinced myself that the right thing to do to save the both of us was to stop seeing her. (Stupid!)
I threw away something great and broke her heart in one masterful stroke... My genius knows no bounds. Years have passed and I still harbor feelings for her, though she has since gone on to someone better, smarter and what-have-you. And you know what? I'm happy for her, she certainly deserves the best.
The message in all of this? To all the people in the world, when something wonderful falls in your lap, do not pick it up and question it. Do not be afraid of making mistakes. Hold on to it and run, run as fast as you can because what you are holding is nothing short of bliss.
So that is my trainwreck of a story, and what's more incredulous? It isn't the only one. I've got *others*!
(Stupid!)
As the cliche goes, "Youth is wasted on the young." Which, even at my tender age, I find to be amazingly accurate. And in context of this particular post, what that translates to is when I was young(er), I was stupid. Not so much stupid in the typical, tv-drama way that youth in America is portrayed. Rather, quite the opposite, my tragedy is a sordid tale of inactions. (Stupid!)
How do these things usually start? Oh right, "So there's this girl..." And there was, I saw her and immediately liked her. What's more, she actually liked me too. For most of the sane people in this world, that would be the start of some wonderfully sweet story of flirting and dating and courting. But since we're dealing with the abberration that is me, this story takes a turn for the tragic. (Stupid!)
Looking back on it now, the main reason for my failures is simply that -- failure, I was so accustomed to failure with women that I didn't know what to do when I was met with success. I reacted pretty much exactly how psychologists expect small animals to react when they face a new and bewildering environment. Scared. I was mortified. I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to act. I had been waiting for this moment my whole life and when presented with the reality of it I wanted nothing to do with it only because it was so far outside my comfort zone. (Stupid!)
She was an amazing collection of wonders. From her soft gaze and disarming smile to her graceful personality, she was the object of many's desire. And somehow, inexplicably, she chose me. Of all the other people that were stronger, handsomer, smarter, taller, richer, or some combination of all of that, she chose me. I couldn't come up with a single thing that she could have possibly seen in me, and that caused me to start questioning myself. Besides the doubt, I also was catagorically terrified because I had zero experience with women or relationships and second-questioned everything I did and said. Ultimately and woefully, I convinced myself that the right thing to do to save the both of us was to stop seeing her. (Stupid!)
I threw away something great and broke her heart in one masterful stroke... My genius knows no bounds. Years have passed and I still harbor feelings for her, though she has since gone on to someone better, smarter and what-have-you. And you know what? I'm happy for her, she certainly deserves the best.
The message in all of this? To all the people in the world, when something wonderful falls in your lap, do not pick it up and question it. Do not be afraid of making mistakes. Hold on to it and run, run as fast as you can because what you are holding is nothing short of bliss.
So that is my trainwreck of a story, and what's more incredulous? It isn't the only one. I've got *others*!
(Stupid!)
posted at
8:40 AM
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