Of Mind and Words

Generally speaking, I'd say I have a fair command of the English language and a decent vocabulary to go along with it. So it troubled me when I recently had a difficult time finding a specific word to express my thoughts. It was always one elusive word, that I knew, I just couldn't recall. I'm not sure what the cause of this is, but while they are still relatively rare occurances, it nonetheless, has not been just an isolated incident. So in order to help correct this problem before I lose whatever amount of eloquence I can claim now, I decided to spend some more time reading.

Books that is. I do plenty of reading on the internet, but I suppose either it isn't really enough or the quality of material isn't pushing my knowledge. (Plus, I'm afraid that if I keep seeing the word 'rediculous' I'll really start believing that's how you spell ridiculous!)

I had tried for a while to muster up the time and energy to go to the (new) local library but I never managed. What's even more egregious about that, the library is less than 5 minutes away from my apartment... on foot. But what can I say? I the library has inconvenient hours and just like renting movies, I dislike the idea of having to spend the effort of going back to return the item. So I went to a bookstore and purchased a book. Lazy consumer-whore you say? Sure, I offer no argument, but at least I'm contributing to the economy and helping people keep their jobs. What have you done for us lately? ;)

The book I bought details the further adventures of a character that I was introduced to in college. My suitemate recommended a book which followed the young life of a one Drizzt Do'Urden. Given that my friend was well read and seemed to share my tastes in other things, I accepted his recommendation and found the book to be quite entertaining.

I've always loved reading and have been easily drawn into a good story. Of the five books in this particular volume, I've read 2 in less than a week. And that's just casually. If I had a mind to, I could devour a book. Of note, in that line of thought, is when I read the book Sphere while waiting for a friend who was showering. Granted... it was a shower that lasted about two hours... (So who's the freak? Me? Or someone who can take a shower for 2 hours?!)

Anyway, hopefully I can either build some more vocabulary along the way while I adventure alongside Drizzt, or it will at least put an end to this damnably maddening problem of knowing exactly what I want to say but not being able to speak the word.

Beauty of Weekends

Ah I do love the long weekends. It's fun to look forward to, wonderful to be in the middle of and nice in that it shortens the week ahead. (All the makings of a classic!) That said, the last night of the long weekend sucks just like Sunday nights of normal weekends. (I guess you can't win them all.)

Usually on weekends I sit around at home and just catch up on sleep. This weekend though I was visited by some old friends. We ate, drank, talked and even went to partake in some of the city's nightlife (not really our own decision, but because an invitation was extended by someone else I know.) Left to our own devices at home though, we played video games, card games (the specific one I won't mention becuase it is kind of a dirty little secret,) and some poker.

Overall it was fun and strikingly similar to our interactions when we were children. I guess that just shows that either some things never change or we haven't grown up at all. I'll leave it to the reader to decide which. :)

Fear, Doubt, Remorse, Love

This being Valentine's day, and myself without a valentine to heap praises and dote upon, I thought instead I would look backwards and share some insights from my past. Now I'm not one to make any claims on dating expertise, I don't have overwhelming experience nor am I a paragon of virtue. So what makes me qualified to hand out insights? Nothing. But here we are anyway, choose to read or not. You, as the reader, are now my enabler.

As the cliche goes, "Youth is wasted on the young." Which, even at my tender age, I find to be amazingly accurate. And in context of this particular post, what that translates to is when I was young(er), I was stupid. Not so much stupid in the typical, tv-drama way that youth in America is portrayed. Rather, quite the opposite, my tragedy is a sordid tale of inactions. (Stupid!)

How do these things usually start? Oh right, "So there's this girl..." And there was, I saw her and immediately liked her. What's more, she actually liked me too. For most of the sane people in this world, that would be the start of some wonderfully sweet story of flirting and dating and courting. But since we're dealing with the abberration that is me, this story takes a turn for the tragic. (Stupid!)

Looking back on it now, the main reason for my failures is simply that -- failure, I was so accustomed to failure with women that I didn't know what to do when I was met with success. I reacted pretty much exactly how psychologists expect small animals to react when they face a new and bewildering environment. Scared. I was mortified. I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to act. I had been waiting for this moment my whole life and when presented with the reality of it I wanted nothing to do with it only because it was so far outside my comfort zone. (Stupid!)

She was an amazing collection of wonders. From her soft gaze and disarming smile to her graceful personality, she was the object of many's desire. And somehow, inexplicably, she chose me. Of all the other people that were stronger, handsomer, smarter, taller, richer, or some combination of all of that, she chose me. I couldn't come up with a single thing that she could have possibly seen in me, and that caused me to start questioning myself. Besides the doubt, I also was catagorically terrified because I had zero experience with women or relationships and second-questioned everything I did and said. Ultimately and woefully, I convinced myself that the right thing to do to save the both of us was to stop seeing her. (Stupid!)

I threw away something great and broke her heart in one masterful stroke... My genius knows no bounds. Years have passed and I still harbor feelings for her, though she has since gone on to someone better, smarter and what-have-you. And you know what? I'm happy for her, she certainly deserves the best.

The message in all of this? To all the people in the world, when something wonderful falls in your lap, do not pick it up and question it. Do not be afraid of making mistakes. Hold on to it and run, run as fast as you can because what you are holding is nothing short of bliss.
So that is my trainwreck of a story, and what's more incredulous? It isn't the only one. I've got *others*!
(Stupid!)

America

O say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro' the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watch'd, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

I do love America; Because of her qualities and in spite of her faults. She is beautiful to me and I stand awed before her majesty and humbled by her graciousness.

As strange as it may seem, I did not start this post intending for it to be anything other than a light hearted expose, but when I started writing tongue-in-cheek, mocking praises for this great country, I found I had none. So here I sit, like a man who has just realized how he really does love a girl. And he smiles, because, instead of being afraid, he is elated, amazed and suddenly unwilling to sacrifice another second without letting her know.

So I just want to take this moment not for my original post, but instead to say how happy I am to be alive where I am in this world. How lucky I am to be able to pursue that which I desire and how honored I am to be able to represent a little piece of the wonder that is connoted with the letters U.S.A.

I also want to thank all branches of the Armed Forces of the United States of America for their service and sacrifices.