My Negatives

There is nothing inherently wrong with negativity and I feel that everyone now and then you have to get it out and contain it. This is something that I've done all my life anyway, so it works for me. So today's entry will be simply some negatives about my life, situation and being that I will acknowledge, respect then put away.

First there is the concept of good enough. I'm good but rarely have I ever achieved excellence. And I demand that of myself. I fail myself, all the time. And that hurts the most, because nobody could be more dissapointed in me than I am in myself. Nobody could be a harsher critic, and while I recognize my own flaws and limitations, I've never accepted them. I've known for a long time that I'm quite adept at just about everything I try my hand at, however I don't have anything where I truly excel. Everyday I have to deal with the reality that my talents are naturally limited but everytime I face that truth I deny it because I refuse to believe it.
And yet, it's there, taunting me. Dangling my own humanity and frailties in front of me. I grit my teeth and steel my eyes, seeking to destroy it. But in fact, I'm locked in a terminal dance of wills with myself. There can be no victor, once I win I have also lost.

Next is the issue of lonliness. Luckily, I understand it very well and know that it is a phase that will come and go. The key is to manage it. Of course, when this phase does come I also realize that it is completely my own doing. I've had and turned down opportunities to enter into relationships. I'm not exactly sure why I did that but everytime I've gotten close enough to a woman where that becomes relevant, I simply felt I could not go through with it. I'm just not "ready". Or able. I'm not sure which. I guess I'm just damaged goods. Emotionally broken. I can admit that, and I'm sure that doesn't make me at all attractive to the opposite sex. But that's okay, I've learned to cope with that and actually, most of the time I'm quite happy being single. No craziness, no compromises, no messes, just me. One day, I might find myself healed, but so far, there are just too many pieces to pick up and each step I take crushes the already small pieces into finer grains of dust.
Maybe I just haven't met the right woman yet. But frankly I don't know why anyone would want to deal with me and my baggage. I certainly don't, I only do because I'm not in a position to deny it. And that being the case, I refuse to give up on myself, I will someday be the paragon I so desperately want.

For now, those are the two biggest negativities of myself that have been at the forefront of my attentions. I only put these things out here because it is my own way of healing myself and I normally do it in private, but since I have this medium available to me I thought I might put it here instead. I am not ashamed nor in denial of any of my problems. In fact, I embrace them all. In case anyone reads this and for whatever reason is worried, I am completely functional and well adjusted. We all just need our outlets to relieve the pressure, this is mine.

My love of Scrubs

Okay, so the Spurs have gotten their butts handed to them for the first 2 games in Detroit. But man, is Robert Horry amazing or what? The clutch 3 to win the game! (How many times has he done that now?) I wish he played like this in his last season with the Lakers. I'm just happy to see him succeed though, the man is a class act.

I just had to start with that to give the Pistons their due after effusing about the Spurs last week. (Spurs are still going to win though.)

I bought the Scrubs Season 1 DVDs and I just can't get over how amazing the show is. Episode after episode they always nail the perfect balance of humor, drama and morals. I really like how it is a sitcom that is sarcastic and cynical but also silly and sweet. I love the messages that it delivers and have always loved the characters I've always loved Will & Grace for the Karen character so you can imagine my euphoria when a show has the characters of Jordan, Kelso and Cox! Not to mention the fact that I love goofiness as well and none has been better in recent memory than JD and Turk. Throw in the neurosis of Elliot (too bad she left in the most recent season,) along with general crazy of everyone else on the show... well, by golly susan, I do believe I've found my fah-vay-vorite show, ever. :)

I enjoy going along with each character as they learn the little lessons in life, because even though there are some lessons that I've already learned for myself and a few that I feel I have fully mastered, it is always good to see the stories of someone else go through that process because it lets you reflect and question yourself. Life isn't like TV, you don't always realize the "right" thing to do much less actually do it, but on TV, they have that luxury of showing the whole process of mis-steps, mis-communications and mistakes that leads to a particular quandary which is later resolved by strong character and integrity. I strive as best as I can do be like those TV characters in that I hope to always have the wisdom to see the right thing to do when I make mistakes and further to have the fortitude of will to actually walk that path. I take each and every moral issue on the show to heart, I want to feel those character's dilemmas, live through their conflicts and suffer their pain, because I also hope that when I am tested, I'll find that I have those same virtues and insights as well as great friends to help me along the way.

I especially appreciate this show because I really hate reality tv. I don't even watch any of it and it affects me by taking good TV off the air. I've always been a huge fan of sitcoms and so I'm just so happy that as I've grown up, the sitcoms have grown up with me and were not completely destroyed by the plague that is reality TV. I believe whole heartedly that sitcoms have helped a great part in shaping me into who I am today. I loved and watched just about every sitcom on TV through the late 80's and all of the 90's. A lot of them are, admittedly, quite cheesy, but they teach ideals, and quite frankly, we could do a lot worse.

Spurs in 4?!

How about them NBA finals huh? I picked the Spurs over the Pistons but not in such dominating fashion. Right now, I'm thinking sweep. Detroit will have to really make some adjustments at home to make a series of this thing. Or at least, lose with some dignity. Ginobli... wow!

Over the weekend I hung out with a few different sets of friends, pretty much all of whom I haven't seen in a while. This seems to be the case more and more, you don't see people for a stretch of time, every time. So it is nice to spend time catching up and reaffirming that people are doing well. The good thing I guess is that I haven't lost any friends, we just don't see each other often. I guess that's exactly the difference between friends and mere acquaintances.

While in the mall with one of those friends this weekend I tried on the new Nike Air Hurrache 2K5, or the new Kobe's. They were really comfortable, I was a bit astounded, if that is possible. I mean, my current Adidas' are no slouch, but wow, nice shoes. That said, I was just trying them on for fit and function. If I do decide to invest 130+ on sports shoes I'll probably buy it online using the NikeID feature. I also am close to needing a new pair of everyday shoes though, so I'm not really sure if I should be buying new Nikes when my Adidas have nothing wrong with them. But then again, nothing wrong with being generous and altrusitic, right? Even if it's towards oneself? ;)

Speaking of generous though, I've been spending a lot of time and money around my brother lately. I've been taking him out to various activities and while it's been fun, it's a bit more spendy than I'm used to. But that's okay, my brother is also one of the people who I don't spend a lot of time with, even though I see him quite often.